We made it. We are now settled in, mostly unpacked, and enjoying the quiet of our new town. Our WiFi was installed yesterday, we had friends over for dinner on Sunday and Jo is now tapping away at their latest batch of editing work, quickly slipping back into their pre-moving routine. We made Duder’s switch off yesterday, sending him for his two-week summer vacation with his dad, which is the first time he and I have been apart for longer than a few days, in all of his 8 years, and I think Jo and I are both silently trying to ignore the fact that he’s gone.
Moving has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me, personally. I didn’t move a lot as a kid, only when it was reasonable and still exciting. I had a “home base” my entire life; regardless of the building itself changing, there wasn’t a house that we didn’t live in for less than 5 years. By the time it was time to move, we were usually ready to start anew.
This move hasn’t been much different in that regard. Our home in Niagara was beautiful; I, arguably, was slightly more fond of it than both Jo and Duder, but it didn’t make sense to stay there. Not only did Duder have a really hard time being alone in a top-floor bedroom at night, we had two floors (upper and basement) that were only accessible by a flight of at least 8 stairs, which I can’t maneuver and it was, unfortunately, super expensive. Above all else, it wasn’t ours, so at some point we all knew we would have to leave.
This is, of course, leaving out the fact that we didn’t have a community, we were inundated with a lot of negative people and had only just managed to start finding people to connect with after we had decided the Niagara region wasn’t interested in having us.
The concept of “home” is an interesting one for me. Up until the house we just left, I hadn’t ever felt like anywhere I had lived was my home. I had a number of different houses I spent time at, but home wasn’t a feeling I recognized; whether that was due to my own emotional and mental wellness issues, or whatever other reason it may have been. I knew that the house I lived in was safe, but home was only used in reference to a place I was going, not to the feeling that comes with “being home”. I think I spent the majority of my life trying to make a home out of a person, without realizing that people were, obviously, more nomadic than the idea of home that I was looking for.
Jo has figured out how to make any space comfortable, having moved over 20 times, and has been integral in making each of our new spaces feel like a home. Our new house already feels more like home to me than anywhere I’ve been, and we’ve lived here for a total of 3 days so far. That being said, Annika Martins makes a great point in her article about home being a place in yourself, when she writes:
“Geography is irrelevant. Your address means next to nothing. What matters is how open your heart is.”
In the article, Annika talks about how she was forever searching for her home; the place where she felt safe, powerful and rooted. She explains how she fixated and obsessed over seeing images of exactly where she was supposed to be; where her home was. She describes feeling “anxious about postal codes” and being in a constant struggle with herself and the universe about where she was meant to be, until she eventually realized that as long as she was open to love and open with love, she was home. This might sound cheesy to some, but the idea of being home, no matter where you are, as long as you are open and accepting to the opportunities and possibilities there, is one that I’m slowly coming around to, perhaps in a less froufrou way.
We drove Duder a bit farther than the half-way point to meet his dad yesterday. I had to go to the hospital for a scheduled MRI anyway, and we had quite a bit of time to kill between the planned 2:00pm switch-off and my 3:45 appointment. As soon as the scenery became familiar to what I remember from my time growing up in the Hamilton and Niagara regions, the air got thick and humid, and my stomach started jumping in loops. Coming back to that area literally triggered something in me, even though we were only there briefly; and I wondered why I never felt at peace, or at home there, no matter where I went. By the time we had turned around and were making our way back to our new home and the cityscape I remembered faded away, all of my panic and anxiety did, too.
This has all been jostling around in my brain since we bought our house, though there have been events and little things that have popped up that have exacerbated the feeling slowly, over time. My biological grandmother sent me an e-mail last week, with a photo from “happier times” with her, my mother, sister and I, wishing me all the best and essentially putting me on notice that they, too, were decidedly finished with their relationship with me. I expressed to Jo later that day that it feels strange to me that we are not even so much as a blip on people’s radar for them to be happy to see us go. But having to return to my “home”town and experiencing a physical reaction to even being in the area, being triggered by the names of streets and highway exits, having flashbacks to not-so-pleasant memories of my time in these places; in the end, I’m happy to see us leave, every time, and that’s becoming all that matters.
I’m realizing that home is not a person, building or city. I have been lucky enough to have moments of home throughout my life; the smell of my grandmother’s cooking was home. The amount of love and connection I felt with friends, lovers, however short lived, was home. Making Duder laugh, every time, is home. Looking up from this screen and seeing Jo tapping away, either at their work or their latest game focus, is home. The places that trigger me now, do so because I experienced trauma, hurt and other terrible feelings there, but not because they weren’t my home at the time. I just looked for home in the wrong places and people, and those places and people hurt me.
That being said, Stratford feels like home already. As much as a town can, I suppose. Perhaps it’s because I’m not familiar with the landscape, there are no real memories or moments to be reminded of when I step out the front door. The times we have spent in Stratford have been completely positive — and if they aren’t, Jo and I have had a much easier time coming together to figure it out. The geography of where you are might not matter, but the environment and atmosphere in which you place yourself does. The fact that everything in our new home is brand new — not the items, of course, but the experience and feeling of being here — even for Jo, who is seeing a new, developed side of the town they grew up in, means that there aren’t any moments or memories to hang onto, and the only thing for us to do now is to make new ones.
“At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and have never been before.”
I think thought contradictions are such a funny part of
being a cognitive human. For instance, I wanted to start this off by saying, “I
feel like I’ve always been such a quiet person, keeping my thoughts to myself,”
and then realized that, that is, in fact, a bold-faced lie.
The correct statement would be, I was a loud, angry, and
misguided person who was quiet about what I really needed to say. The way I had
been representing myself was, and still is, a rather alien concept of who I am.
For instance. During my college years, which I attended from
28-30 years of age, I was the ‘friend’ who would show up to a house party with
a 2-4 for myself (2-4 being Canadian speak for a case of beer with 24 bottles
in it). I would immediately dive into the case and as a guarantee, would end up
dominating the party with a rant that would make Shakespeare envious. I don’t
even remember what I was so angry about. But holy fuck was I angry.
I had to address that part of me. It was terrible. I was
hurting. Now I recognize the number of things I was trying to deal with along
the way, with no one else acknowledging it along with me. How could they, lol.
That would be a super ignorant retro-active wish. It was no one else’s
responsibility to help me wade through my muck, and I am grateful for both the
outcome of my self-work and the age at which I seem to be really settling in. I’m
proud of myself. I did it by my own merit. I addressed a lot of this in my post
May Have to Fight if you want more explanation.
Qualifying something about this is important to me. What I
had the privilege of having, were people who didn’t confront me on things I am
woefully mulling over today but did give me the space to be the version of
whatever me they were related to.
While I am struggling, have struggled, and will probably
always struggle with my own perceived failure of not being sister
enough, daughter enough, female friend enough, and am trying to
reconcile what other’s feelings will/were/have/are/must have been (trying,
actually, to stay away from that one) there is one thing I have always had.
I have had a lot of time to consider, with situations to
observe and build ideas on, how privileged I am that I have people who just
rolled with whatever I had to offer. A lot of the time, they probably wished I’d
had more, or taken less, or whatever. I know that there were times, and
situations that were scary for my family, that I was also scared, and could
have changed things. But when you don’t know how to do something THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING TO HAVE IS PEOPLE THAT JUST STAND BY WHILE YOU FIGURE IT
I know people lost in their anger, lost in their jealousy, or negative self-talk, or judgments. I know people who are so deceptive and self-serving, but also work in care-based industries or purport to be a self-help guru. I am not putting them down. Without context, they are quite interesting to talk with, but in context, I only see a manipulating, two-faced, and unnerving person. Like, literally guys, I have watched one character in my recent personal story stalk three different people, hack accounts and do ‘swapped-car’ drive-by’s because they were hurting. I kind of judged, but just wanted them to get through their hurt. Now that I’m on the other side, I kind of wish I had called the cops or something then. I really don’t feel like I’m equipped to fight dirty, let alone as dirty as I’d need to get.
I am grateful to the point of feeling nauseous and worried
that I didn’t have that person influencing younger me. I think I honestly would
have died. Like, I literally wouldn’t have been mentally strong enough to deal
with their level of… Ugh.
As with most of this big-thought-instances in my life, I
have a happy, carefree comparison to help my brain accept the magnitude of
At thirty-six years of age, I have started watching Pokémon.
It’s true. The analogy’s flowing from this frigging show are amazing, deep, and
I can’t believe I judged it for so long (actually, I’ve only known about it for
six years). Granted, I still think that pretending you are a poke master is…
Well. Not my place to judge! We all have our thing.
Anyway, the concept of good and bad, evil, and light, all
the diametrically opposed relationships we must conquer are I think… Somewhat
incomprehensible. Conquering them may make you stronger, but something does
break open in your mind. It’s why we watch it play out in cartoons, but I hate
to say… despite good usually winning the fucking fight, it starts to get a
little too hard when it comes at you around every corner.
As you all know, many of these posts are fueled by a
situation with duder. This is no exception. He is also the only reason I am now
a fan of Ash Ketchum. Big surprise.
God, I honestly don’t even know where to take this. I want
to write about it. To find that sense of clarity I always get after
writing. I just can’t. Let’s segue.
Part of why I was going to start this post with, “I feel
like I’ve always been so quiet,” is because when I am confronted with
confusing, aggressive, scary people, I… do something unique. I think? Please do
not start thinking that what I am about to say next is a pretty or mystical event.
I don’t secretly transform into a paranormal being. No. This is literally a
self-preservation tactic that needed to occur for a fast-brained Enby.
After years of some form of bullying (no pity please), now,
when a bully presents themselves, like the cop-training-pop-up-figure-in-the-gun-range-or-creepy-empty-house
in my life I know that I get messy if I try and react in a big, aggressive or instinctual
way. It’s super messy, and I lose control and feel like a crap bag after. So
instead it’s like the bully’s intent is a bullet… Splattering my brain in slow
motion, out a hole in my head, into a…
Projected image? Yup, welcome back reader’s, Jo’s brain at
Before I figured out how to deal with how overwhelming my
emotional-cognitive functioning can be, this was a weird thing to experience.
Like, people may call theirs, dissociation, or something, but it’s literally like
a cartoon movie for me. Not scary, I’m present, I remember, and I am usually
talking with someone at the time. My emotions slow, like an animal’s heartbeat
in hibernation, or like this-
Thank god for that because before coming up with this self-monitoring, the typical result was like tomato sauce on a ceiling when the jar explodes, otherwise. The pop of the jar-top, the lick of wet you feel, on your nose or chin, but your eyes are closed so you don’t know what it is, the smell- exploding throughout the room. Opening your eyes, all you see is a hard to reach, stain-leaving mess. Now, my situations fold out in an old-timer white board of facts. Also, helpful since otherwise my brain is like a Rolodex on hyper-speed. It’s almost like something in me shrugged and realized it had to slow-speak like an adult to a confused child to my brain in these moments. “You okay there lil’baby? Hmm… You okay? Ready to move to the next thought?”
There is one thing I wish would figure itself out. That little
whisper that is terrified of mean people. Of the ‘Scar’ and ‘Voldemort’ and ‘White
I was so scared about what’s happening, I called my mum and told
her I was scared. Which made me realize, I am not often scared… Worried, anxious,
not thinking straight, overwhelmed, or whatever. Not only am I not often scared,
but when I am… I have a sinking feeling I don’t often share with others. To be
fair, I don’t think I have been as scared of anything since my dad died. I only
say this, because the way she responded helped me recognize the magnitude of me
calling and saying, “I’m scared.”
I hadn’t wanted to call, because this is not a monster who is my imagination, or a shadow under my bed. This isn’t being afraid to walk down the stairs, thinking Freddy Kruger is there. No. This is the adult realization that rapists, narcissists, bullies, controlling people are in my backyard and are the type of people who are willing to hurt a kid, to put him at risk anyway… Just to get what they want. This is a type of scary my mum can’t protect me from by wrapping me up in a hug. These bad guys pop out of nowhere and yell “BOOGA-BOOGA-I’M-TAKING-THE-KID” even though… Well, they had their chance.
I feel naïve and ignorant. Stupid even that I continued
giving them the benefit of the doubt. But I love this kid. Whether they consider
me a parent to him or not (Not A-bomb) – linking to my last article Never
Explain – I would hope that everyone was genuinely considering his
Statistics show that courts often feel that Mothers are the
ones best suited to care for their child (74% of children duder’s age in split
families are in their mother’s sole care) and only 6.6% are with their fathers.
Why? I have a ton of sociological theories, but I’m no expert.
Since I am experiencing some stress symptoms (rashes, so
good guys, but at least it no longer manifests in stomach issues. I’m also sweating,
and you know… getting choked up, hot and can’t breathe, so let’s wrap up).
Right now, I feel like a character who is no where near as
ready as Ash but must battle this fucker unexpectedly:
Just so you know, in the episode I am thinking of, we find
out he leaves his Charmander out in the rain, alone. He literally leaves him
(apparently Pokémon are so loyal they won’t fucking move unless the trainer
comes back!!!!) in the rain, for so long, his flame almost goes out, his heart
breaking because he’s been abandoned. Duder has never seen me cry, but this
frigging episode almost did it.
I can’t wrap my head around it. I’m trying. I keep touching
it like I would a hot surface, testing the air around it to see if it’s safe.
But they’ve come in and done the unthinkable, with no consideration of timeliness,
communication, respect, or most importantly consideration of duderonomy’s
desires. Which he’s communicated. To all of us.
I don’t know how to not feel fear right now.
I try and think that maybe we made them feel this way, feel
threatened. And yet, all I know is that our original plan would have literally
seen everyone having the same amount of access. So. How could they be afraid?
I’ll leave you with this short clip of Ash finding Ho-Oh because right now rainbows are in
much needed supply.
“One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” ― Michael J. Fox
Happy long weekend to our Canadian readers, and regular ol’ beautiful Sunday to the rest of you. I have not had the motivation to write for a while. The last mini post I did was an effort in self-dedication and an attempt to clear my mind of things that were swirling around in there. Since All things, a lot has happened. I am sure if you’ve read it, you could see there was a lot going on before then too.
What I want to
explore today are the cruel people you stumble across who are supposed to be in
your camp. The people who, as the days go on, have their mask eaten away by the
sun, as their ‘moves’ are unable to take affect like they used to. The person I
am thinking about, once getting to know the other side of their bright, always
smiling, good-time personality, has reminded me of the Queen of Hearts. A
sole-focused individual whose motivations have always seemed sinister. I won’t
go into the details but suffice to say I watched them storm over things I
consider foundational to be a good person and had to keep my mouth shut.
I can’t give you
details. Not because the person who would be affected matters any longer. Nor
because it is someone in my loves’ camp, though it is. I don’t want to give you
the details, because I am embarrassed that it took me so long to really, truly,
see them for what they are.
May is an interesting month to me. As a Canadian it is a time filled with fluctuating feelings on weather, waking up one day, able to wear shorts, the next, the toque is back on. As a farmer, it is a glorious month; fraught with worry over certain aspects of growing, but overall a beautiful time of blossoming. I’ve noticed this year there has been a lot more… In focus. We have sharp-shinned hawks nesting in a tree in our backyard, which has been an interesting thing to watch as a family who is doing its damndest to build a nest as well. There is also a giant Cooper’s Hawk who has started swinging around, baring his chest to us in the mornings. Peoples’ motivations have also been in shaper focus.
As the birds awaken
and dust off the winter, so do the people. Between allergies and colds; S.A.D
and just general grumpiness at living in fifteen hours of darkness a day for
eight months, people just come out of winter… Different.
This person though…
It now feels like they had been lurking, working out new patterns of destruction
while we tried to get through Aisha’s back (still not healed, in fact we may be
going back to the Doc on Wednesday it’s gotten so bad again), duder’s school
bumps, finding and buying a house, and all we’ve tried to keep you up-to-date
on, waiting for a chance to cut us down.
I find it interesting
that in the threads of my recent posts there has been an undercurrent of ‘hope,’
of ‘trust’ or ‘connections’ and what I am about to tell you combines all of
them, and why they make me wary. Have you ever been in a situation where you
are othered, obviously or not, for a time, and then suddenly, it becomes more
obvious? Like, that growing awareness that… Whoa, man… I don’t think I’m
welcome here. And the next thing you know, the proverbial fist is crashing
through the darkness and landing square on your face? I am very aware of these
moments; I’ve had a lot. My expressed thanks in previous posts at my ability to
now adapt to them are honest. It’s just that… Well guys, I was sucker punched.
Six days before my
birthday, which is already a hard day for me, I find out that duder’s g-ma, once
a friend of mine and A-bomb’s mother, whose “opinion, though not popular” is that
I am not to be considered as a parent. In fact, looking back, both Aisha and I
can see that she has felt this way, from day one. It could be due to our coming
together circumstances; it could be because her life blew up at the same time
Aisha and I found each other. I don’t know. All I know is, she’s lied to my face
for about two years, now. She pretended to be my friend, to respect my opinion
– nay, sought it out – during our
hours in the hospital together waiting for Aisha. But all because I am just a
way to manipulate the ones she truly cares about.
You see, friends, the
thing about me is, I see people through rose colored glasses, if I am certain I
should trust them. I have no idea, honestly, where the certainty has ever come
from, considering I am usually wrong. But she was a coworker, then a friend,
then a confidant, then… My in-law? So why would I not trust her?
I guess the part that
I am still working through is the heartbreak I felt. Sunday, after reading her
wildly off-base, out of nowhere text to Aisha something crumpled in me. We
talked to duderonomy about the safe, and relative points, for clarification and
then let it go. Monday morning, I woke up and that crumple had turned into a
fold. Being with him, in whatever capacity that was (friend was my word for a
long time, until he called me his stepparent and told me he loved me), felt
like the first natural thing I had ever done. Literally. There were bumps and
moments where I needed to jump onto Aisha for safety, but our connection was
amazing from the get-go. We made each other feel safe, and happy. Somewhere
over the past two years, I have literally put his every need above my own- and
that somewhere wasn’t recently. As Monday moved into Tuesday, I awoke with this
inability to even make my lungs work. I was suffocating.
Having a partner who
is energetically inclined is amazing, no matter what the reason. As I fell
apart, my head in her lap, crying, literally feeling my heart breaking, there
was something else knitting in my back. I could feel it, against my spine- this
weird, electric thing. Aisha had begun to rub my back with her palm, and when
she neared this bundle it physically hurt me. Like, I felt a shock race down my
spine. What happened next is fairly hippy-dippy and mystical, but apparently as
Aisha moved her hand away from the spot (the feelings having only caused me milliseconds
of discomfort) she said she saw a ‘sticky’ or ‘tacky’ like blackness come out
of me, trying to attach to her. Thank god she has a calm head eh? I’d probably
have lost my shit, but then again… I’m wondering how much she hasn’t seen. I wasn’t aware any of this
had happened. All I knew was that the darkness that had slowly invaded my
vision over the past two days slowly lightened, and my breathing began to regulate.
Finally, it felt like I could maybe stop crying.
I can’t begin to
express thanks to Aisha for whatever the fuck that was. For those of you who
don’t know, the chakra related to self-esteem is the third chakra, or the solar
plexus, which was where all that went down. I’m fairly certain the combination or
depth of hurt, mixed with Aisha’s amazing intentions shifted something
(wonderfully) permanent inside me. Within hours I was feeling calmer, more collected
than I had in a long time. The problem is, I am just… Not happy yet. It’s
coming, I can feel it around a corner. I can even hear its laughter ghosting
down the halls.
The problem is that I am just tired of every one seeming to have a big, bad impression of someone or something else, in this case the number of people who can not seem to see that we are a good team, that this love should have ended already if it weren’t meant to be. I am tired of the loud-mouthed nobodies who spend time hating or judging, and I especially hate how affected I can get. Weariness isn’t even a word for the lack of surprise I felt, but the shock of reality sliding into place was old, uninspired. An, I should have known.
I am tired of people
This move (I’ve
already packed the unused items, the winter items, and as many everyday items
as I can sneak into boxes) doesn’t feel like a move. I think because while,
like many others, we are moving in the hopes of better things, there are enough
tarnished memories to make it easy for us, we also know that this one won’t
feel… Alien. Even moving from the
apartment to this beautiful house came with shocks. We may not know our
street, or neighbors, but if it is too much, we now have people that we can
only get to via phone momentarily.
I don’t feel heavy. I
hope the drama we experience there is brand-spanking new. I hope it has little
to no ties to the drama we are leaving here.
I felt my heart break
like that, only one other time. I cried for eight-hours straight, grieving the
loss of someone who wasn’t choosing me. I remember the desolate feeling, the emptiness
I felt. Being told you do not deserve to be called a parent is a cruel thing to
say. There are still huge parts of me that don’t want to be duder’s parent, but
I am. I literally check all boxes, except the ‘blood-related’ one.
We can choose our
families, our friends, and the inner voice we build for ourselves. We can
choose positive ones, ones that motivate us and steer us in directions that
lead to better, and brighter things. Sometimes, our choices are imposed upon
us, and don’t seem fair. The quiet between Aisha and I was interminable this
week. I know she adores my relationship with the broster. She wouldn’t be here
if she didn’t. I know she respects my decisions and commitment to our co-parenting.
But the hurt her parent caused… That is one we had to deal with separately. And
I’m glad we can, honestly. I’m glad we have the trust and foundation needed to
go to the places we needed to go. Because today, I can look at her, and feel my
heart-trust again. Not that I hadn’t throughout the week, but her seeing me
that weak, that vulnerable to someone I am trying to support her in standing up
to, well… It’s embarrassing. And it just fucking hurt. And I was shocked.
It also makes me want
to just put a gentle reminder out there to you all. Whether you are in our queer
international family, my NB family, or just a decent fucking human being that
takes the time to read all this, I just want to remind you that people are
supposed to be good. Make you feel good, and welcome, especially in your home.
If they don’t have
permission to be there, kick them out.
Oh, holiday Monday. I remember your yester-years, those
casual carefree days, hitting the snooze button and drinking an extra pot of
coffee. I remember you from our childhood days, those teens years, early
twenties – all the way up to last year, really. Fond memories for sure and, you
know, to be fair, I turned the table a bit and stopped working for someone
else, so you may be confused. An ordinary Monday sometimes feels like you’ve
made a drop-in visit, and then… work knocks on Easter. It’s strange, I know.
So, I am very grateful for the normalcy of boy-yo running
home on this beautiful, warm, sun-filled evening. He’s now ensconced in the
arms of his ma, who is perfectly portraying five or so characters from The World of Norm. I love watching them in
these moments. The good and tough evenings, the laughing, cuddling, even the frustrated
cries. I love watching the light move over their faces from the kitchen window.
Dude’s eyes are drooping, but he’s obviously reading along silently, word-for-word
but his resistance to sleep is not as strong today.
As you know from Aisha’s post, This
Morning’s Sunrise, we had an eventful weekend. My mum’s four-day foray
was a whirlwind. We had duderonomy all week AND weekend, which was amazing, and
in my mind, why I had 50% less stress than if he had been away. We may have found
a house while hunting. But I’m far too superstitious to share those details.
What I want to work through here pings close to what Aisha is
starting to poke at when she says,
“I’m constantly learning
about the many ways we, as people, function and relate to each other and how
quickly that unity can turn to disconnect, even if only caused by something as
subjective as our perception of the situation or the people involved.”
This concept of unity and disconnect, especially regarding family, is one I have grappled with for as long as I can remember. To save you the details, just know that this visit had a mature (I thought) and unique set of parameters I was curious to explore, after years of trying other style combinations. One of them being my more upfront approach to my daily life, as you may know. Specifically, my intention towards being a better and more honest person, ability to express needs, allowances, boundaries, and all that. But that means things have shifted in my relationships with people I don’t connect with daily, which in my exaggerated brain have now become something that I am convinced seems like a clandestine undertaking on my part.
A specific example of a shift is that I am on the autobahn of raising a tiny, intelligent human – so things move fast. In general, it means my ‘needs’ in interacting have massively shifted. Broadly, my life had always been about adults, in whatever stage they were at. Independent, usually intelligent, autonomous adults. Now my life is about both adults and kids who are all thinking, learning, growing, shifting, and expanding together until our time evolves to look like what our grandparents and parents are (maybe) now enjoying with each other. Translated, I mean that until duder is thirty or so, we three are strapped into this ride together until he decides to take the “I’m autonomous now” exit.
So, we (thankfully) now have adult-friends, kid-friends, friend-friends slowly stacking onto side a. On side b… well, let’s just say that my biannual family adventures are resulting in tectonic-like shifts because all our needs are now at completely different stages. My needs, while I don’t understand the breadth, have changed. I don’t know how to explain what they look like or where they begin and end. I don’t know if they are about me, outwards; or about outwards into me. I don’t know if they are permanent, or maybe, the ground will swell, and they will shift back. All I know is that for the most part things feel different.
Reflecting on this, and consequently the stress I experience when hosting visitors, these shifts seem fated, and in many instances potentially anticipated by others. Parents acknowledge when their children become parents, and roles shift, making space for the new people. Similarly, as friends age and begin to date ‘outsiders,’ the original group expands, bringing in a transient demographic. This is natural.
I would say, it’s not so natural for me. I don’t think it has occurred to my ma yet, either. So, I become a stress-bag. No, joke. In fact, in moments of insecurity I genuinely believe my mum will give up on visiting for a while. My discomfort during her visits used to be explosive (talk about mental health cues). I would cry the whole visit, looking for assurances and stability there was no way she could provide. I would hate leaving or have a meltdown if we started discussing something I wasn’t prepared for. What used to make it work though, was that we could sit and work through the conversation, she was patient about my ‘growth.’ We saw eye to eye enough that we could commiserate over how similar we perceived an issue and come up with grand plans for fixing it. We have amazing plans for educational reform, social services, medical, political overhauls – you name it, we got it. We just never looked at ourselves.
Then, my maturation and experience of divergent realities from most of my kin, piled on top of the pile and things got fuzzy. The generational, and time, gap finally made a mark on us. She said it enough this weekend, so I’ll say it here. My mum got old; my stress became ingrained and apparent.
I want to go back to the concept of responsibility versus predetermined outcomes or unity versus disconnect. My mother showing up, in grandma mode was awesome, but every other moment she excused something because she is now old, instigated a shift. Last night, we heard running around upstairs. I was exhausted, had to be up early again, for a drive, again, and smiled wearily at what I thought I may find on the last night my mum was here. Well, my eight-year-old was responsibly re-tucking himself in (night-light, sound-maker, stuffies in formation), while my mother was laying in bed confused about the alarm on her mobile phone and uncertain about waking up on time. I tucked two people in. Then went to bed.
I am solid with this transition. I have known my whole life mum would come to me in her geriatric years. I am grateful I can give back, a small token for the layers of (perceived or otherwise) failure and success on my part. One of the things I have had time to do in preparation, is learn how to make compromises, how to people manage – on my good days. I maybe don’t do it well, because honestly, I only ever have one or two other people close to me at any given time. But also, boundaries and compromises aren’t necessarily comfortable, and when I attempt to create them for everyone, so we all get some of what we need, it can get frazzled.
Compromise can be broadly defined so I’ll give some examples. One. Dude-magoog has trouble sleeping some nights. The reasons are between us but suffice to say we’ve had to do a lot of compromising on check-ins, time he goes to bed, pre-bed routine, and after weeks of trying to be firm, a lightbulb went off. I want to preface this by saying I am not a great bedtime parent. I am ready for him to go to bed, and don’t really get the multiple-check-in-after-the-first-one requests. But, because of where he’s at, he thinks they’re great. The problem is he stays up waiting and waiting and waiting and then is up all night. Me being the final-face before sleep was a situation that sprang up and surprised us all. So, his needs versus my, ‘just go to bed’ mentality, had to be quickly reconciled so the scale didn’t tip over. We finally stumbled on a great compromise – he gets a second check, before I go to sleep, on Sundays (or, Easter Monday). Sometimes, you just have to go to bed. But, sometimes, it really sucks when things are over and you feel overwhelmed or happy and excited, or whatever, and you just need an extra check.
I want to draw your attention to, is our willingness to compromise and continue
to find the best solution with our kids because they are learning to be their best self. We are instilling lessons
about self-respect, boundaries, and good decision-making practices. More than
that, self-care, and self-monitoring. We inherently understand what we need to
give up to successfully raise kids; time, sleep, privacy. We choose to have
kids because we are ready (for the most part) to do this, in one way or another
– no matter what that looks like to someone else.
does that stop? The willingness to continue seeing things from the others perspective
so you can stay on track. Does it stop for everyone? I know a mother who, to
this day, calls all four of her kids daily, visits monthly (so, is not home
often!), babysits, goes on vacations, and invests themselves in helping her kids
raise her seven (or eight) grandkids. Lovely, no? Don’t think that my mum is
not invested in family. She is very committed to her mother, being present in her
aged years, transitioning from home to nursing home. This is firmly where she
wants to be, and I am in no way judging that decision. It is what she needs,
and I had to come to terms with that eleven years ago. She is available to me via
phone, text, letter, and travel. This was a lesson that was carved into my brain
with a corner chisel. Deep, slow, and measured… a distancing that was forced to
be accepted; like breaking up with someone you still love, because they want to
be with your best friend. My mum will (in the kindest meaning possible) ‘get around
to us’ when she is ready to spend more time in Ontario.
Being subject to enforced separation is not new to me. My mother is notorious for her 1-3 pm nap schedule (worthy of its own blog post), my sister left home without a way to contact her when I was ten, ma moved to Nova Scotia, blah-blah-blah, the list will be on paper eventually, I’m sure. In hindsight, I suppose I took exceptionally well to the, “you wait here until I get back” conditioning. In the “non-absence-absence” I feel with my family I think I tried to stay 23-year-old me: agreeable, quiet, unassuming (also banshee wailing with confused emotional needs). I did this so that they’d… I don’t know, recognize me?
can see now that that was, well… uh… bad and am thankful for being on this side
of that lesson now. But, as I said to my Madre, I don’t think she realized that
this whole time she was encouraging me to change, the change wouldn’t be
controllable, or reversible. So, I was stuck trying to figure out how to
explain our speed bumps (too many to list, but consider every geographical,
generational, genre-based, interest based difference and you’ll have begun to
cover it) to her, but had to pin that to tackle the interrupting that was
taking place during the conversation. We literally had to institute an “is it
my turn?” policy before speaking our point. But, I’m willing to do that,
instead of just ignoring things.
is hard and when, like a parent bird, you push your babies out of the nest, you
need to be ready for them to come back looking different. In time, they may
come back stronger than you – or still dependent. They may not come back for days;
they may build a nest next to yours. Who knows? I haven’t pushed yet. I am not
getting this from actual experience. I am getting it from thinking about what
people need and what they want, and whether those things can coexist. What mine
looked like, and obviously, what duder’s will look like when it comes.
others when you are trying to take time for yourself (grief, growth, whatever) is
not easy. Considering others when you have had to forge a lonely path, is not
easy. Working through the things that tie us up, is not easy. Making boundaries
and expressing real needs, is not easy.
I distance myself most often from people based on one principle. I get confused why my perceived list of expectations is seemingly much more exhaustive than others. Knowing it is partially self-created, I am not looking to point fingers. I am trying to figure out what the heck I’ve been doing. Remembering a longer list of details than the nuances that are recalled about my life, being one example, and further, being forced to hear their details repeated. I don’t forget, and even if I were to forget, they would upset – tables turned, if you knew as much about me and forgot a tidbit, I’d get over it. Genuinely. The grey zone of gatherings and commitments is a different expectation I haven’t quite grasped. Having important plans cancelled is confusing, and forces you to wonder if the repairs you’ve attempted to make to the disappointments you’ve caused, haven’t worked. But then again, you know it isn’t about you, per se, so the cancellation request is granted, and you put your hope on the shelf. Because how could you ask, when it costs them more?
So, unity and disconnect, perceived expectations. This is starting to take shape. Let’s add a final detail. I don’t know when an appropriate time frame is for getting over it or having to get on board. When to modify or raise the expectation to get on track. I am only learning to ask for things, or refuse requests, in a calm, logical, considerate way. One that is respectful of the recipient’s time and space, and includes what I honestly (bare minimum) need to make the compromise worthwhile.
requests or admissions may seem out of the blue, I supposed. But I keep
considering ‘you’ after you’re gone. I allow myself time to consider and
process, which means I had to get comfortable revisiting something in a conclusive
way and am now here to approach you with it.
instance, I finally asked my mum to stop being “HELPFUL” when negatively
commenting about my hair, weight, look, clothing, because well, she is not a
potential partner so her input isn’t helpful
if it’s counter to what feels good and attracts my partner to me. It is
contradictory and negative. I have had to move out a notch on my ‘belt’ with my
sis, hoping its enough space for her, finally.
do I mean? Ok, here are random statements and my internalized response:
worry you are overwhelmed, that you aren’t ok, and I don’t know how to help you I either overly defend, get angry, cry,
lie, fall apart, or… manage a good conversation about how I am doing, and we
can look at my new reality
are always saying you’re unhappy, you don’t get enough, you can’t do x, y, z I get confused hearing this, feeling like
I don’t talk about my stresses unless we are together, which is usually for
eleven to fourteen days a year. And the odd phone conversation where I can mask
the heart palpitations.
just don’t feel like I belong here But I have waited for my family to piece
back together in an archipelago of sorts, made up of grandkids and partners,
evolved from the small islands that drifted.
guys, unity and disconnect; in or out of the cart.
I am now an adult with a big brain who is working hard on integrating my care-taker personality with my hard-line-boundary marking, compromise making, parent-self, who had to build and scrap a few (many, who am I kidding) models of what a ‘unit’ was to me. So, I inevitably changed, didn’t stay the way I was thirteen years ago, so now she worries I am experiencing foundation issues, that I am not ok. I am ok, though. I just don’t look or sound like I did. Because there are important things we aren’t addressing, things that changed.
Speed is a theme here, but I mean the speed that is determined by what stage your relationship is at – in time. This abstract relationship has a serious impact on physical relationships. It can take over connections between people. We don’t have patience, because we are moving fast and don’t have time to fill ‘you’ in. Ma comes in for four nights (I go to bed at 9:30…) and three days, so I am JACKED on trying to come across as ok. Why? Probably because my major concern is convincing everyone I am ok, now that I am honestly ok because I want to make room for that elusive quality time.
am seriously contemplating writing a manual for how to navigate my family
depending on your proximity to the players (obviously for secret, internal
consumption only). Namely, because in my own head I get ridiculously caught up
in the nuances of the private, important secrets that I try and navigate with
and for people I have a long history with. To answer part of the original question,
it isn’t only subjective factors that affect unity and discord. Having too much
information can be detrimental.
made a few big decisions this weekend and set hard lines down. I’ve shared some,
other’s I just can’t (here, or otherwise). Some of them make me sad, seeing the
immediate ripple cascading down the corresponding timeline, shaking the foundation
just a bit. Others are freeing, and empowering, and may lead to some cool honesty.
I don’t know who in the world is not vulnerable when sensitive to, aware of, and trying to facilitate the needs of any other, without also being sensitive to subjective mistakes. Unless there is an ‘is it my turn’ policy, interpretation can be difficult. That, friends, is when we need the storm. We need things to tumble and shake loose so that fresh buds can sprout.
My ending question then, is this: what, if any, relationships have you stopped working at being tied to that surprised you. Was it gradual; did you resist? Is it final? I am working through a lot, obviously, but mostly because I like to feel resolve. My present state is not affected, majorly, by the ruminations so why not clear the ol’conscience, right? As Aisha said, why not challenge ourselves to reflect more?
Since starting this piece, we found out the hopeful-home is now off the market, the owner feeling everything was going to quickly.
are on a fast train baby, so if you’re on it, buckle up.
You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs
Ah, Sunday. Good morning to you, you overcast, chilly day.
Sundays have become a favourite day of the week for me. Duder is usually away with his dad until the early afternoon, so Jo and I occasionally get the chance to sleep in a little bit and the normally bustling, busy street that our house sits on is actually… quiet?
This is an unusual occurrence in a typical week for our family; somebody usually has something on-the-go, somewhere to be, something to do… So we’ll sometimes try and pack a few things into our Sunday afternoon, considering it’s the only real “free” day we have to do anything fun with Broski. Most of the time though, he’s pretty wiped from his weekend away, Jo and I are feeling like we, too, need a break after a busy week — so Sundays usually result in a quiet, relaxed afternoon and evening at home.
This weekend has obviously been a bit different. As Jo mentioned briefly in Go back?, we had their mother staying with us for a couple of days so we could make the day trip to Stratford to house-hunt. Overall, I suppose it went well; Duder was great, as patient as an eight year old can be, and tackled what would normally be a “hang out with dad day” turned “5 hours of driving and boring meetings day” with the maturity of a teenager — still having blips of boredom but, in the end, being a relatively respectful, polite and well-behaved kid. For that alone, I am eternally grateful.
I think that the adults that were involved in the day, believe it or not, had more of a struggle than the bored kid. I have had a hard time all weekend; the driving, walking, getting up and sitting down, attempting to tackle stairs in potential homes to see whether or not I can realistically manage them — and, as much as I hate to admit it, it takes me a longtime to adjust my living to newcomers. It’s a fault of mine that isn’t often an issue; Jo and I don’t have people stay with us much and I’ve had nearly the last two years to adjust my habits to mesh with theirs, and truthfully, when I have to stay with other people, I have no problem doing things “their way”. When it’s my home, however, and my routine — sometimes I can get a little sticky about it. It’s not even that I’m unwilling to adjust! I just need longer than four days to do so.
So, in recognizing this as a major flaw of mine, as well as taking the time to reflect on the weekend; I was kind of a miserable cow. I got short with Duder on more than one occasion, my patience was practically non-existent, and I ended up doing some things I probably shouldn’t have (ie: climb a 14-step staircase, twice) out of the desire for some space. I’m really not entirely sure what the issue even was, guys — I usually try to be far more agreeable than I was this weekend, but something about it was just… hard. I am the first to admit that, frankly, I have a bit of a short fuse. Not in regards to my temper — I’m usually pretty even keeled and don’t get angry at much, but to put it in layman’s terms: I have a shit ton more pet peeves than most. It makes me think of the recent surge of people admitting to their utter disgust and aggravation at the sound of people chewing (also a pet peeve of mine); but I have the same reaction to a lot of things; actions, habits and behaviours, that even I’m unaware of until I’m almost vibrating I’m so annoyed.
I don’t need to tell you that this obviously causes problems in my interactions and relationships with people. I am particularly sympathetic towards Jo in this regard; the amount of patience I have for them and their habits, tics, quirks, etc. is infinite. Additionally, they hold the unique position of seeing me in a parenting role and observing the areas where I struggle with Duderroo, but also the instances where I can dig deep and find an immeasurable capacity for tolerance towards him, regardless of how many times he and I have had to have the exact same conversation (pet peeve two). I realize that, from the outside, this ability to self-evaluate can look relatively effortless, and I concede to the bias that I have towards the two most important people in my life. Why can’t I find even a portion of that for people outside of my immediate familial unit?
I ask myself this question a lot, especially on days when I’m feeling particularly snappy. My irritation and annoyance are emotions that I find very difficult to disguise and this disadvantage has a propensity to manifest in the tone of my voice — I, admittedly, have a proclivity for sarcasm. Jo approached me with this earlier in the week, having noticed a change in my demeanour and attitude and I have since recalled that I had to address the same issue when I was last prescribed medication for my ADHD (as covered in my last blog). Jo mentioned that they think I have just become more assertive, which, in my opinion, is entirely uncharacteristic of me, and that it was just going to be a matter of them adjusting to the shift in my personality. While this may be true — I don’t suspect that the things I’ve had to accomplish and the list of potentially uncomfortable situations I’ve had to put myself in to do so would have been as successful had I not found this… “tenacity”, if you will — I tend to forget that sarcasm is a life-long defence mechanism that I have been tirelessly perfecting for twenty-six years.
When I’m feeling insecure, my normally light-hearted, playful, humorous, though sometimes backhanded satire can quickly become caustic and hostile. Though I never have the intention of offending anyone or legitimately hurting their feelings, I notice the blatant similarities between my behaviour and that of the quintessential bully of my childhood. I have vivid memories of my mother sitting me down, quickly mopping up the puddle of tears I’d turned into; quieted my uncontrollable sobbing after the mean kid that lived across the street had angrily bulldozed me into a rose bush. “People who bully others; people who put others down are only doing it to boost themselves up”, she’d said; and I think she was right. I mean, it’s been proven time and time again that the majority of people who pick on others suffer from low self-esteem, or have negative feelings about themselves for one reason or another.
I don’t consider myself a bully and I know that my sarcasm and the defences I put up are not malicious. I used to be the type of person that would insult my “friends” as a means of “showing my affection”… I know this practice seems to be today’s norm, with a new “Roast Of…” premiering on a regular basis, inflicting physical pain on others being a recurring theme even in “kid’s shows”, and, one that really grinds my gears: prank videos — and the terrifyingly high number of adults creating said videos who are now involved in child abuse/neglect/exploitation lawsuits, all for the “enjoyment” of their subscribers.
[ side note / random facts: apparently, over five million youtube videos are watched each day. I’ll save you the math and just throw out this number: one trillion eight hundred twenty-five billion — which is a very loose estimate, but is the rough number of views youtube receives in a single year. In 2015, prank videos alone accounted for 17.7 billion of those views. ]
I think the normalization of abusive language, obscene and abrasive behaviour as a show of friendship and/or endearment as well as our desensitization to it, and acceptance of it as appropriate interaction within our society overflows into countless other areas — the doofus that is in charge of running our province, and the other doofus in charge of our neighbouring country are both perfect examples of what happens when we, as a society, laugh off offensive and inappropriate behaviour. In saying that; on a smaller scale, I realize that I have also been desensitized to the level and intensity of sarcasm that I use when I’m feeling threatened, overlooked, unheard, etc. and that those feelings lead me to behave in a way that doesn’t necessarily speak for who I am otherwise. And I have to admit, moments are coming up more and more often that make me wish I could find some way to teach this capacity for self-reflection on a broad scale. Imagine what the world would be like if we could eradicate the concept of ego and, instead, people weren’t as resistant to acknowledging their flaws. When we aren’t feeling self-conscious and defensive of traits that we perceive to be “less appealing”, we are less likely to project that onto the people we interact with — and when the feeling of being “lesser than” no longer exists; the covetous emotions like jealousy, envy, greed, etc. are also quickly disqualified. In my case, I get my knickers in a knot when I believe that someone else is perceiving me as less than. Whether this means not including me in discussion, interrupting me (pet peeve three), brushing off my input, etc, etc.
It’s ridiculous, right? I get antagonistic because I’m not feeling confident in my position, opinion, physicality, whatever… Then project that onto the people I think are most likely to feel the same way; this weekend, for instance, that included Jo’s mother, the realtor we worked with and even Duderroo, at times. It’s a lot easier to be sharp and terse with others, blanketed under this predetermined (though inaccurate) belief that those people are opposed to you for some reason, than to take a moment to sit back and recognize that the only person responsible for your feelings of inadequacy is you. It takes some serious mindfulness to be able to notice these things in the moment, but I’m trying to at least recognize my trip ups after the fact — like having negative feelings towards Jo’s mom, literally with no cause other than that she gets nearly all of Jo’s focus when she visits and we spend the majority of our days together; so I was jealous. Still had nothing to do with her, but I twisted it around in my mind to look like she was being too demanding, or whatever. Or, when we spent the entire day walking around, getting in and out of cars, etc. and the only person who checked in specifically on my back was the realtor so, irrationally perceiving that my pain levels just “weren’t a priority”, I proceeded to trek up and down as many flights of stairs as possible, it seemed. I wish you could see me rolling my eyes at myself right now. What a cry baby, hey?
(I also want to add in here that this previous statement is more than likely false; I guarantee that Jo checked in on how I was doing physically on more than one occasion, but there was a lot going on and when I fall back into old tendencies — specifically, dissociating when I sense tension, get overwhelmed, feel anxious, etc. — I almost “black out”, per se, and my memory and awareness of what is happening in the moment gets convoluted. So; I wanted to express what I was feeling at the time to give you an accurate and honest image of my perception of the situation, but also nip any criticism in the bud.)
There was a lot of tension swirled into the super-exciting-but-overwhelming combo of flavours we had going on. Having had a schedule mapped out a couple of weeks in advance (Jo’s doing; no surprise there), we felt reasonably prepared. This plan was kind of unexpectedly kiboshed at the last minute when an exciting part of our day was axed, which was disappointing, to say the least. I’m still trying to figure out how to sum up my thoughts on the delivery of that particular information, but it’s bubbling around in my brain the way an idea does just before the proverbial light bulb illuminates. The elusive Eureka! moment is coming, friends, I can feel it — when it does, you’ll be the first to know.
The new plan supposedly meant that we were going to be able to zip through some houses quickly, break for lunch and be home hours before we’d originally expected, but also meant we were starting the day sooner and, therefore, needed to hit the road a bit earlier. Waking up at six thirty in the morning is really only ideal for one person in our house — me — and even then, I have to be the one choosing to wake up at that time. I used to have a habit of throwing alarm clocks; hence why I no longer have one. The house we had set our sights on ended up accepting an offer a few days before we were due to drive up, which was a bit of a downer, we were quite ahead of our new schedule nearly the entire day, so there was a lot of idle, sit-around-and-wait-for-the-next-one time (though I will say, our realtor took us out for coffee and lunch, which was very generous and left the four of us feeling well taken care of). The first house we walked through was adorable (and, based on photos, our number two pick), but tiny for the four of us; the second house we saw, Jo and I had to walk through alone because the smell of smoke was so overwhelming we didn’t feel comfortable having the young or elderly members of our unit in the house at all.
The third house, however… Guys. Just wow. The owner is an incredibly talented artist, so her design style, though a bit old-fashioned for my taste, was so warm and welcoming — we walked in and it immediately felt like home. There’s some work to be done; we’ll have to renovate the basement a little bit to add in an extra bedroom, but I’m looking forward to doing that work possibly more than I am to move, period. After some awkward and snippy banter back and forth, a(n adult) tantrum or two, a bit of visualizing and then some carefully strategized persuasion, the four of us came to the conclusion that this little home was a near-perfect fit for us. Jo and I are moderately superstitious, so that’s all of the details I’ll reveal for now as I don’t want to jinx it for us, but my fingers and toes are so crossed for this to have a positive outcome that I’m worried I may not be able to uncross them again.
In conclusion, the last few days have made me reevaluate my ideas and interpretations of family, if I’m to be honest. Familial relations are these ambiguous concepts that I can no longer comprehend and I don’t know how to build a place for myself within them. I have now been left out of more than one family get together without explanation, the people I had perceived as my “unit”, however spaced out they were, no longer take me into consideration unless they need me to facilitate their contact with Duder, Jo’s family is threatening to evaporate — but, on the other side of the coin, our little unit of three has been steadily fortifying and toughening, the progress in making this relocation happen has helped Duderroo and Jo reestablish their awesome step-parent/kid relationship and overall, the three of us inherently know that our lives are about to get so much better.
Getting my shit together was the start. Getting my mental health under control allowed me to talk to my ex, inform the other members of my “family”, get myself semi-organized and manage a stressful weekend full of information, emotions, scheduling changes and the like, without having a full-blown meltdown. I’m proud of myself for that and grateful that I didn’t flare up while Jo was also experiencing the same, if not worse, agitation. But part of what I love about becoming more motivated to write for this project, and writing for this blog in general, is that I try to commit to authentically and honestly contemplating my behaviour and actions, because I feel like it helps me become a better person. I love that writing about our four day foray into the world of first-time (for me, anyway) house purchasing also brought my shortcomings into focus as far as my temperament and my approach to uncomfortable situations are concerned. Addressing these flaws and picking them apart, piece by piece, is what helps me identify my triggers retrospectively and recognize the moments when I’m at risk of going off the deep end. Maybe it’s years of therapy coming back to me in the moments I need it most, because this tactic doesn’t feel alien to me, but regardless, I appreciate having the insight, as well as the patience with myself to peel back the layers upon layers of learned self-preservation to just be comfortable with experiencing this life for what it has to offer.
Yowza; before I get caught up in getting philosophical, I’ll wrap this one up. I’m constantly learning about the many ways we, as people, function and relate to each other and how quickly that unity can turn to disconnect, even if only caused by something as subjective as our perception of the situation or the people involved. I, too, am guilty of this — obviously — but refuse to reject my potential for improvement. I think the excuse of “this is just who I am, deal with it” is a cop out; everyone has the capacity to be a good person, so rationalizing and excusing the fact that you’re an asshole only because you’re uninspired to do anything about it is no longer grounds for bad behaviour. The desire to stagnate needs to be made obsolete, not turned into an art form. We must strive to be better, whether or not the people we surround ourselves with are on board — because when you become better, the people who gravitate to you will be better; better friends, better lovers, better coworkers… Better people. End of story.
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”
he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”
One of my favorite songs to sing to Duder in moments of ‘ok-frustration’ is the “Uh oh! Grass! Long wavy grass!! We can’t go over it-” remember that one? I think these two probably only ever hear the ‘can’t go over it’ sung in that weird, deeper-monotonous voice, reserved for that awkward key ‘catch-all’ community songs are written in (Happy Birthday, He’s A Jolly Good Fellow, any children’s song).
Anyway, I sing that song a lot
to myself – making me realize I am still a farmer, needing a song to keep pace
to. The ‘Can’t go over it’ song was the first lesson I learned of pushing past
something to just, get through it. Believe
me, I appreciate the motivation in this song far more than the “I’m being eaten by a boa-constrictor…”
(in swimming class…)
What is this about? Well, with
a Georgia-font flourish, I can unveil the grand plan; what all the secret,
heart-blossoming hype we’ve alluded to has been about. Moving. We, our lil’ family of three, are moving again.
When we moved from the apartment to this lovely home, I was
silent about what number this tallied for me. Because I am tired of feeling
like I jinx it by saying ‘Well, this is number X, so it has to be the last
time!’ but in this case, it is the last of something.
This will be my twenty-first
move, in my (soon to be) eighteen years of living ‘independently’ and I am moving
back home. Yup, we’re moving West (well… 166km and 2hrs West).
This decision is not new, it had
been thrown around in that weird, super uncommitted way you do early on in a
relationship. That sense of invincibility, the excitement and passion of our
blossoming relationship found kinship in the food, wine, arts, and general
cultural scene of Stratford. But, after our own set of challenges, a couple of
years, the whisper didn’t fade.
There is a very large queer
population, an especially prominent transient population in the summer, as it
is a theatre town. So realistically, there has always been that safety-appeal.
With everything else that has piled up, it seems like a natural choice to make
when we realized, we have to move.
I aspire to be a normal,
awesome citizen instead of cloistering myself away. I could comfortably see
myself volunteering at duderonomy’s school. We have friends, obviously
originally ‘mine’ but they have wholly welcomed Aisha, as an individual, who
just happens to also have captured my
heart. And duderonomy has friends, already.
My fabled sister lives there,
and while that is going to be a short-lived reality, it will be cool to run
into her, or call her up for a walk. My niece and her boyfriend will be there
for a while, which I am so excited for, also realizing it will probably be more
of a ‘run-into-ya’ thing. Maybe not!
We are purchasing a house with
Talk about setting roots. Family,
friends, a house, work is taken care of, we have support – so maybe Aisha will
begin to heal. Moving, once upon a time, was something I obsessed over. My mum
and I would troll open-houses, talk about moving, look at the paper and… dream. I don’t know why; we had an
amazing house. We were able to travel; we spent time in other homes.
But then I started my own
personal apartment-carousel. The obsession soon made way for exhausted
resignation. It all started when I turned eighteen, and my parent’s
conservativism (prudish and maybe semi-homophobic-in-the-parental-way mindset
*god I hate qualifiers*) and my requests were not harmonious. So, I, in a much-needed
break from what was going on, moved out with a friend from high school, and my
How do you decide if you are
ready to live independently? Looking back, though I recognize it would have
been detrimental to stay, I wish I had waited! I didn’t have it that bad – I
would have had more time with my dad. We could have compromised about my
request (no secret, I wanted my girlfriend to sleep over because she lived out
of town, they thought we would have crazy lesbian sex all over the house…). But
that’s not what happened. So, with my multiple jobs and being almost finished
high school, I moved out.
I needed to not be at home
helping with my dad (as terrible as that sounds), but I ended up feeling over
worked anyway. I finally graduated, the romance ended, my second and third
apartments were quickly experienced, and jobs started to ‘pile up.’ As did my bad
choices, mapped across cities and decades.
But the thing is,
I was not ready to live with my significant other. I was not ready for sharing
spaces with… strangers (not my family members). But I really kind of had no
choice. I learned a lot from this first space: boundaries, fragile lies for
gullible people (me), how to be cheated on and deal with it, and a host of
other things I don’t think I would have necessarily ever been prepared for. But
what followed… Well, I don’t know if you would have been either:
Here we go. From
home to Apartment 1 (move 1) and then two other apartments (move 2 & 3) in
two years. Then, new city: Toronto (apartment 4/move 4) – home (move 5) – Toronto
(apartment 5/move 6)– home (move 7) – Toronto (apartment 6 & 7/move 8 &
9). Then, my small trip to Nova Scotia (apartment 8/move 10) where changing drivers
licenses and addresses, getting insurance, etc., was not worth the hassle when
we moved back eighteen months later. Apartment 9 and move 11, I’m in St.
Catharines. Suffice to say the next few years were a fast-forward of homes 10-18
and moves 12-20.
The move to this
house, as I’ve said, felt like a break. Like we could get our bearings, be
on-top of parenting and get better in general. We did it too, which is the
funny part, and maybe why I feel less stress now. Aisha was successful with her
businesses. I was doing well and getting to where I am now. We were learning
great lessons, getting into a groove, and then… dun, dun, dun – the back thing.
What does your
derailment look like? Because, to be honest, all my moves, all of my changes have
made mine quite… elegant if I must say.
I’m kidding. ‘Twenty moves’ starts as a
frazzled-pull-out-the-boxes-you-didn’t-bother-unpacking, and eventually evolves
into just not having that much to pack anymore, because you’re tired of packing
so you ‘declutter’ every time you go. But the support and joy at our recent decision
(on the ending end) has affirmed what we knew: we’ve gotta go. Even duder, in a very mature
conversation, admitted he recognizes that he needs a little more schedule
consistency, which can best be obtained by removing the…
(what is proving a… thing… is not a thing but the tension of sleepovers elsewhere weekly, when the
child wants to, but does terribly when allowed to, is… well…).
My love, my ever-surprising gov’love, chomped it and slid the
last, hard, and oddly shaped piece into place this week and asked/told duder’s
dad about the move. Which meant it was/is official, everyone (for the most
part) knows. The meeting went well. Until there was a moment the next day, that
also, realistically, went well. But God, that heart pang. Not even just for me
– yes. I want and need to move home.
But also, for duderroo. For that brief moment where I forgot how reasonable
this is, and that we can go- I honestly thought we may have to stay.
What am I getting at? All of it. My magnetic
shift, the time-alignment and auspicious
reason/timing of it all, and well, y’know,
the stuff I deal with. And now, we get to go. All of this good and bad is pressing
at the lip of the volcano and our world is about to be washed anew again. This
time, I am feeling that feeling
I don’t like but in this scenario it is more like a comfortable sweater. The
hood falling perfectly, the arms just long enough.
I am excited to move home. To give duder and my girl what I
had, hoping I can find it for them; that we can make it together. I am sad to
leave certain things and what had felt like chances and optimistic opportunities,
but what is meant to continue, will.
Am I excited to pack up again? Book the truck, get boxes,
tape, and then undo it again? No. Not at all. Am I excited for my mum to arrive
tonight and show her the listings? Did I love showing Joey, and every moment
Aisha and I debated and hand-picked each one? Absolutely.
I love that, even though I feel overwhelmed, a part of a lot more than I am used to, and
inundated by things I wouldn’t have been otherwise, I am feeling ok with it.
Like it is manageable. Something will blip, without a doubt, but I genuinely believe
this is why home became two people, until we needed more.
“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir
We’re tired for the usual, multitude of (parental, adult, millennial, equinoctial shifts) reasons, but with spring in the air, defeat never possible and sleep not an option (kidding, I got like 6 hours) I went on a bit of a rant today. It was one of those rants where I kept looking at Aisha – to be fair, it’s been 24-hrs of excited ranting – and telling myself, “Dude, she gets it.”
know when you follow through on something, and the breadth and immediacy of the
results are so amazing you just can’t handle it? That is what happened. During
my “AH HOW DO I CONVEY THIS” Google search today to help direct what I am
trying to say, I found a LOT on Feng Shui. I have never really studied the art,
but the philosophy appeals to me, though it doesn’t wholly capture what I mean.
It feels more like a… magnet realigns in me, making me so frigging solid, and
things just start crashing down in beautiful, perfect order. The effect of this
is something I have referred to as my ‘bubble.’
is something I am grateful for, because it is like an emotional, plastic
hamster ball for me to roll around in. Sometimes, there are a few tough weeks,
and then suddenly there are five untypical and unbelievably gorgeous days in a
row; the cardinal, or hawk or some amazing bird will come to catch my eye. I
will feel… listless and then BAM! Songs that lift me from cloud to cloud to
cloud come floating into my world until I break through them into the clear,
blue sky, basking in the sunshine of happiness. I have always hoped to figure
out how to maintain this bubble. If we were to sit and intimately talk about
it, you would see how superstitious, or spiritualistic, I can be. Which is why
I suppose, it took this weird moment of moving my bed, exactly when I did, with
all the other factors lined up, to see that it’s me (I totally just knocked on wood, by the way).
originally put the bed together, I had placed it where it is now. I don’t know
if it was the destabilizing bigness of a stress vs. relief vortex of our
October move, or just the multitude of differences from 7th floor
stink hole to this amazing home, but it didn’t seem right then. I ended up putting
our room together in what seemed like the most logical/functional layout.
few weeks though, I have dreamt about it, low level obsessed over it, talked
about it and honestly have organized so many other places, instead of just
trying it out, that I feel kind of basic not having just done it.
the excitement I felt all day yesterday (a day literally full of so much stress
and worry that I alluded to in the last post, The Bamboo that bends) had me worried I had somehow
managed to like, forget that the stress was imminent. Like, completely,
forget. If I were the person to do this, this is where I would say, “I feel
soooooo ADD,” except I’m not ADD.
I obviously hadn’t forgotten but the positivity and confidence I was able to wrap myself in was dreamlike. Thankfully, I had a mental adjustment in a hyper-clear moment, and realized, no. I had practiced self care in two way: Aisha is learning and becoming a very talented Reiki student practitioner (I know… are there no ends to the levels we keep revealing about our spiritual side) who gave me the “super-pamper-special” on Saturday, and our bed is now in the “Right Place”.
of what I am talking about – Which
way should your bed face – to touch on the idea of considering how a room
layout effects things. I looked over the Queen
of Sleep’s thoughts on Feng
Shui and, while surprised at her interpretation of directional meanings (my
miracle occurred because of a 18°N orientation with our heads and feet away
from the door and window), she did make me chuckle.
And then I found this, the Feng Shui
Tips.Org page that really does what I need it to do. Why? It is malleable
in my brain. Everything I bring into my
thought cycles has to be flexible in its use as an interpretation guide (side
note: always wondered if I had been a monk in a past life). I need this because
I like to have a complete lens to see through; different ideologies influence
me based on the situation, and having more than one viewpoint makes the
decision… More complete.
Anyway, kua numbers… what the… and tell me more. What is my
Kua number? (It’s 7 – I used biological sex because, well, that’s the fact. If
you look into this though, the only time gender matters in the application is
in Group 5).
I am a West Group which provides me with the following
information on the significance of direction:
NW: money and success
SW: health and vitality
NE: Love and Marriage
W: Personal Growth
Our new bed
(Additional side note: Aisha is an 8, also West group)
your head is supposed to be in a lucky direction, balance the sides of your
bed, don’t face a mirror, remove sharp edges (my favorite tip), etc. Do these
factors matter to most people? I am not social enough to say. Do they matter to
me? Well, if you could see my vigor and the shit that’s slid in to place in a 24-hour
time space, you may allow me the mysticism.
When I say,
all is grist that comes to the mill,
I mean that I do not shy away from anything that helps me keep my head clear
and helps me work on myself. Reiki feels good. Bad energy effects me, whether
of my own or others influence. When I allow myself to be open to it, I feel ‘higher’,
or clearer. Yet, I can be so practical and analytical I laugh at my attempt to be
both. At the end of the day, trying can only make me more aware, no? So, it is
all processed, ground down, sifted into my mixin’ bowl and baked into what is
turning out to be quite a competent, sensitive and thoughtful person.
I feel like
I have always been like this, I just wasn’t big enough at the time to hold it
all together, so it came out looking weird. Now it’s like I’ve reached a calm
or, a perspective? Or… steadiness? I just haven’t managed to fuse all three
together, so they alternate, like a pendulum swing. Thankfully, it is slowing,
which means more often they line up and I am afforded (what I assume) really
cool adult moments of knowing.
The point, peeps, is that when I trust me, life is something else. Not easy, but, fun. For instance: I got two new jobs today with one more contract getting close to closing. One of the jobs feels like it is what I have been waiting forever for, what every other messed up employment had been leading towards (gah, no pressure). I have written two blog posts in two days. I gardened. Duder is communicating and our connection was one of those things that came back, crashing down in beautiful, perfect order. All I did was (literally) open the door. Aisha is ploughing through the tough stuff. I don’t want to go into it, but suffice to say, she dealt with about ten piles of stinking _ _ _ _ yesterday without having a major panic attack, without a painful pattern emerging at all. She was so present, and amazing, Duder was so grounded by her. She was also subjected to receiving inappropriately delivered bad news today, that was just dropped like a stool stack on our doorstep, yet she sits over there now, somewhat calmly, plugging away. She is literally ski-dooing through those ‘hills’ but this shift seems to have changed the mud and stones to water-spray and sun beams (she maybe doesn’t feel this way, but she’ll have to write a reply 😉).
something. I needed forward, a break, a breath. I need Spring and to harness my
strength because this is my moment. This is my season and I am bursting with
will harness this feeling. I will figure out how to loop it around my waist and
keep it with me always. Sometimes I have high hopes for forty, other times I
see an eighty-year-old staring back at me, confident finally.
Regardless, I know that my learning is so good. And I am proud to be able to say that. My adjustments are like over-coats now; I can feel and welcome situations, because I trust the time, efficiency and accuracy I have cultivated in my responses. The things I allow in, have allowed me to trust myself. And I am just feelin’ grateful.
I wish I could paint, so this was easier to express. Alas,
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”