― Germany Kent
Wanting to write has been like having a line from a song stuck in my head for the past three weeks, coming to my consciousness in bits and pieces.
I’ve wanted to sit and catch up, mainly with myself, but also with you. I know we have a bit of a one-way relationship, but in all honesty, I missed connecting with you. I have also really missed the space I had to look into this brain of mine.
I tried writing last week. It ended up being a messy, ranty, nonsensical piece that even Aisha said I should maybe come back to, once I’d thought about it. I deleted it on the spot.
So, what’s happened? Where has my five-page deconstruction ability gone?
Yesterday I realized that maybe, just maybe, I have too much on my plate. There is a lot I need to address, internally and externally: my mother is coming in a month, and I have to write her a “this is why I am so different” letter (welcome to my family), we are still trying to adjust to this new life – Abomb and duderroo are out on their morning date, I am working (more on that), and we are… BUSY. The minutiae that has no order also includes: garbage can and tags, get second job (having lost second job before starting), paint mum’s room and get her stuff here, make sure duder has an amazing time before heading back (won’t be touching on this, because the pain I feel in his absence is a mind-bender), getting bikes, changing the toilet fittings, make sure bunny isn’t dying in this heat, making sure Aisha is adjusting and feeling good, and also not dying in this heat, and figuring out friendships that are longstanding, but that I’ve always been physically distant from.
So, what does this mean?
On the one hand, we are definitely in a town where my gender, or lack thereof is a non-issue. We have gone out, I have felt free, we move independently and with strides that seem almost confident. I have lost the feeling I woke up to every morning in the banana-belt.
We live in a place where A/duder feel safe and free to roam the streets, taking in all the new sights. They miss me, and I them, and it is hard to not have what we did. But it was not sustainable, and their effort makes my heart swell.
We love our little house, our backyard, and the things we have around us.
But I think all’n all, I had a hugely different idea of what would happen once we arrived. I don’t know how I imagined it going, but this week has me feeling a little… Silly? Naïve? Tired of facilitating?
The rub I feel about being a facilitator is that I don’t do it consciously, though I am consciously trying to tune into it, but it also seems to be a giant guessing game that I bomb at. I am a service-oriented, helping-hand, who rejuvenates by doing chores, cleaning, touching base with, and ensuring the people I love are steady. I think moving here has made me realize that, while everyone does want someone like that, they… Actually don’t.
Realization numero two. I have also realized that I literally think in the complete opposite way from everyone. I had always thought that maybe I was kind of similar, or at least within ‘cell service’ but nope. I am not. In fact, I feel so different that I actually said to my sibling (working on de-gendering all relationships) the other day, I wish people would treat me like an animal. What does that even mean to someone who thinks differently? In a lot of ways, I guess I meant I wish people would treat me like I treat animals. Cautious but friendly, warm, and welcoming but giving tons of space for the animal to show its character before I either play fight, cuddle or whatever. The reason I want this is because I have come to understand how naturally opposite I am; if you are cautious, I always seem to show up without abandon and with full enthusiasm. If you are excited, I seem to see pitfalls everywhere. If you are repelling me (energetically, conversationally, etc.) I literally think we are bonding.
I am at a 25% capacity right now. I feel emotionally overwhelmed, my time-management has gone out the window (guys, garbage has NOT been collected for two weeks), I feel unsure with the job situation (fully employed online, lost physical job; spent a ton of energy preparing for physical job, now feel like the energizer bunny with nowhere to put it), and while it is amazing having duder home, and he is so, so happy, his time away from us was… New and kind of weird because it was really different. He leaves again in a week and is rolling with that change and reality- it feels impossible to watch the wordless process go on behind his eyes.
Finally, I also have realized that my rock-relationships are not what they were. My three pillars have changed, and I feel foolish for being so oblivious to just how much they have.
I have expressed this above discombobulation to my mother and yet, we have only had tense convos since February. This means I am in no space to say, “Hey! I’m an Enby!” over the phone and expect that to go over well, but I also can’t write the… Well, I know I’ve never been what you’ve expected… So, I kind of lied by omission for… Ten years about how I’m really doing… Letter. Therefore, I am not reaching out, not connecting with her, and I think in preparation starting to put that ID/need/truth away. Our connections usually end with me in tears (my emotions, not her actions per se) and with this level of disconnect, how can I push me forward? I miss her so much. Her laugh and the jokes she’d tell me, the easy and warm feeling I’d have. I love the eastern accent, and just her perspective on things. This letter is the beginning of a conversation where we hope to be able to come back together. For some reason, my heart is not shining with the hope I am so familiar with. It feels like we’re so, so far.
My sib and I have been getting together, having coffees, hanging with the families. I love them. As much as I ever have. I can’t put my finger on what’s changed. Maybe time, or age… But I think it is a ‘grow up and realize I’m an adult in their eyes’ that needs to happen. That we can’t be like we were… Twenty or even ten years ago. They have adopted a new life that required change – I still think they are one of the most amazing people I know, but I just wish I had really realized there isn’t room for squishing me, laughing like ‘we do’ and being easy.
Finally, BFF. This week has been a doozey there, and I believe, what has brought my thoughts together. A wee (giant) bit of drama Sunday, which lead to a ‘me talk’ with them on Monday. I maybe had a false sense of how well it went because they immediately disappeared. In all ways. I can’t get into it, because it really isn’t my business but, it feels like every decision on their part, since Monday has been a subconscious move to extricate me from their life. Except for the “I need you” or complaint calls. Unfortunately, I felt myself slide into a new priority group for them, and even though they are why I’m probably sitting at 25%, I have been struck with the realization that I do not receive anywhere close to equal, back. Not even equal in my weird balance of what is equal (50/50 is rarely achievable, but I think BFF and I are at a 10/90). During our conversation Monday, I offered a lot to them and their partner- things I maybe didn’t have to offer and they… Literally checked out for three days. Left me hanging, really. Not only left me hanging, but also played the did-I-do-something-wrong card. I hate that card. It makes my anger blaze in seconds.
Summary thought – without dramatics:
I think if I am left hanging, a fracture occurs.
My desire to give, protect, plan and I guess… Ultra-facilitate is dissipating. Hence the above quote. Because I woke up sometime this year and realized that I hate that I am a giver.
In fact, I now worry preemptively that I give to much. I didn’t realize that people will take and not give back. I had no idea that I downgraded my needs to a base level, have been confused by the warnings I’ve received about users, so… I didn’t attend to it. I allowed myself a naivety in thinking they’d learn/catch up. That they’d be motivated to try for… Me.
Having duder in my life makes me realize I should have stuck with my 9-year-old plan to have 45 children and sing for a living. I don’t think I was meant to be here for adults. The walls they have around them are things I can’t see. I can see their feelings, their happiness, pain, and confusion, but I can’t scale their walls. I also don’t seem to offer what people want when they think of an easy hang-out. Qualifier: The people we have connected with SINCE moving here do not fall into this. They are new-old and honestly, make my heart quiver in a way it hasn’t in a long time.
The confusion for me is this. If these pillars are who I’ve invested in, and it seems like the investment levels are maybe too diverse to bridge, was it a mistake? Can I redact that time? Can I take something for me, and slide it into this space that is starting to feel empty? It isn’t about letting go. At all. But, what does it mean?
We watched the Emoji Movie last night. I empathized with Gene so much. He is filled with all the emotions but is supposed to just be ‘meh’. Feeling like I don’t fit and like I have too many emotions is a common theme for me. I’m trying to be manageable and whether it is immersion, or just reality, only my lil’ family seems to be able to handle me. The qualifiers too, but that is overwhelming as well.
I want my next article to be on the impact children’s movies (specifically Pokémon) have had on my world. I am blown away by how the lessons are so big in them, and realistically, children can’t understand them. They have no context. We do! And for me, Gene spelled out what I have going on. He felt different, felt like he failed and was labelled a malfunction. Spoiler alert: he wasn’t. His uniqueness ended up being what saved the day. His whole outlook on life sets him apart but ends up connecting and validating him. While others are trying to look out for No.1, be the best and most popular, he isn’t. He wants friends and continues questioning everyone, asking, “What’s so great about being No.1, if there are no other numbers.”
Think about that folks.
I don’t know how to round this off. I don’t even know what I really want you to know. I feel better having written it out and honestly, I believe there is a quietness that if I tapped into, it would give me a solid answer. In a roundabout way, I guess I wanted to say that no matter how different we are, no matter how big or out of place we feel, don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. I thankfully learned years ago to retreat but stay me when I felt this way. Don’t retreat though. You don’t need an excuse, and I’m hoping soon, I’ll stop looking for mine.
I still want to take up so much space, I want to spread this feeling that wells up, but I can’t yet. I hope you are.
It makes me think of Sense8. I loved that show, their level of connectivity and uniqueness makes my brain euphoric. I wish I had a sensate group. I watch it when I need to be reminded that someone out there wants to be as connected as I do.
Don’t give up.
perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles
John Quincy Adams