Men can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can starve from a lack of bread.

This week has been a lovely gift, when I put aside the mess that dumped on our stoop Thursday. I had a slow work week, giving me the time to pack our things and organize further.

I love organizing, as you all know. Outside of the whole, OCD thing, being organized gives me (and, I will forever argue, you as well) a sense of gratitude for what we have (our house is not overflowing with things), we can find everything, which impacts our timeliness, overall stress, and feelings of confidence. It provides me with a complete sense of preparedness, and I love the assurance I get from living simply (as an unofficial minimalist).

Physical orderliness gives me space to think and the combination of emotional and mental debris this week made my thought process uncomfortable. It felt like a giant, hurried gasp; open throat, rush of air, sinking heavy into my belly, coughing, slightly overwhelmed with the suddenness.

The feeling of this overwhelming process caused me to rush back to a self-perception I spoke about in my last post, that awesome, awkward moment of realizing I feel quiet, but realistically, I am… Not?

It came up again last night. I want to preface by saying that I had one of the best, most enjoyable, laugh-out-loud, safest-feeling evenings of my life. But I mentioned a few times, “I’m quiet” and my friend called me on it.

Aisha and I took the time to work through it at home, since the need to assert that I am quiet, continued growing inside of me away from the lights of the comedy stage. This is what we’ve broken it down to.

1.I am quiet. Unless I know you and feel safe around you. Then, you get to see me in all my dandy glory, because I don’t have a perma-filter and need to express myself enthusiastically at times. If you’re in my home, you will not see me as a quiet person. I get that now.
2.My sense of quiet comes from being nervous of fucking up. If you see all of me, and don’t like it, the moment will be ruined, and it will be my fault. *qualifier later
3.I worry I will overwhelm you if I take the ‘top off’ so I rarely divulge the entirety of my brain or personality. I also have a deep, intuitive recognition for people’s attention span when familiarizing themselves with someone new. (It’s short…)
4.People haven’t really been interested in what I’ve had to say, so I developed my natural ability to be a good listener, which is what I identify with positively, anyway.

Quick vulnerability check-in. I am saying this, feeling like I’m naked, strapped to a table, and you’re all looking at my bits.

Why the vulnerability? I hate false representation. I don’t think I can entirely convey the levels of distortion I’ve had to navigate, so I am not going to outline specifics, because they make me feel almost as dirty as bugs in the kitchen. I’ve figured out why, though. Thankfully. My emotions and brain processing have a negative or inverse correlation. The more emotion involved, the less I can think; the more my brain is involved, the less emotion present. Therefore, if I am hurt or confused by a misrepresentation, I can’t work through it. I’ve literally just figured this out.

This is a cool, brewing realization for me, so I want to share what I have started to do in these situations. I do some research. Admittedly, it’s the quick Boolean Google search that nets the quick results you’re looking for on a Sunday morning.

From my research, I am beginning to think my quiet, is a non-violent preparation tactic, like having an organized home. Like assessing your opponent, as they bop around you in the ring. Like looking over the exam calmly, before starting. Picture it, me in total safari mode- weird above-the-knee shorts, tall socks, and all my camp patches sewn onto my pack-

Like this guy…
Or… Probably this guy.

From what I’ve observed, most people may represent this mental preparation with a quick, deep breath, heavy exhale; a quick jump, or jiggle to shake themselves off, and say, “I’ve got this.” Or something to that effect. Mine? Usually looks more like that moment when the explorer stands straight amidst those spores, surveying the deep, dark, dank forest of concepts that are massing and trying to make them disappear into an apparition.

Terrible eh?

A few of my posts can give you and idea of how I process things (Battle Storms and if you really want to get into it… If its and ands). They also expose my continual preoccupation with how we develop our self-perceptions, since I am working through readjusting mine.

7 Ways was a great refresher on the common traps we fall into and why. Mine include the following:

  • Imposter syndrome: the amount of times I’ve come up as ‘NOT AS EXPECTED’ (to myself or others) makes me feel like I have something to worry about all the time.
    Funny aside here- working through gender stuff and sliding away from tougher images, realizing I am ending up a nothing-short-of-effeminate-masculine-nothing-like-it-oops-don’t-worry-still-soft-me is the perfect example of the, “Oops- Surprise!” I generally worry about. People are worried I may transition, and even if I do, I’d probably be more like what they’ve always been expecting than what I’ve produced. I hope I am conveying this properly because I am dying of laughter.
  • Minimize abilities: thankfully, my ego is growing, so I am doing this less often, but I would constantly underplay anything I am competent at.
  • Confirmation bias: this one is tricky. We intuitively search for ways that confirm what we think. Specifically, my biggest bias has been that I am loud, too much, awkward, and subconsciously, that I have never performed gender expectations properly. This adds up to a lot of self-talk couched in failure. As I said in Knowing What’s Right there is no blame here. I believe I sought out people who wanted me to be like this, despite knowing I’d fail. I know I hid most of how bad I was doing, from therapists even, so I got into a pattern of convincing myself I was okay as a loud, confident, overbearing person.
  • Denial: I’ve denied myself a lot over my life. Because I’m scared.

Reminding myself that these traps help explain my repeated fall into the palm of ‘my’ social quagmire, also remind me that self-perception is a dual creation. The perceptions of others, or meta-perceptions, continue to guide us our whole life as we run with whatever we are given to work with.

This article was the first place, where in black and white, it is acknowledged that emotions must be set aside or managed to have a clear gauge of perceptions versus reality. How are you at calming your emotions? Can you think and feel at the same level at the same time? My friend and I recently had a cool chat about neutral vs the known optimist and pessimist. I think most people should strive to be more neutral. My optimism disappoints me a lot, pessimism is heavy, so… Neutral seems like a win!

Part of the problem with my optimism, is it can cloud my ability to discern between thoughts and emotion, perceptions and the real me. Ready for it? Here is that *qualifier from before and a big thought.

I optimistically believe that if I have a 1-60% ‘starter’ pack for displaying myself to you, then if it doesn’t seem to be going well, I can quickly reign in any impending awkwardness. The reality is though, I approach you with 10-20%. Which means that… I realize if that 10% seems like too much, I will shut myself away.

My machete and I have a lot of work to do. Mainly learning that I need to walk away from you if my 10% is overwhelming, because I’ve barely begun to show you what I’ve got. On a good day, this song gets me places

I like this quote:

We are constantly thinking about what image to give others, about how they’re going to view us. What we don’t know is that many times people don’t see us how we think they do or how we would like them to.

This is a great reminder for everyone. I’ve stopped thinking about what image to give others but have not stopped being overly concerned with whether my image affects them. I like this though, because to me, it means even the people who are intentionally trying to falsely represent themselves, aren’t succeeding, somewhere. When you act with the intent to deceive you may win. You may. Which is what I was frustrated about in my last post; bad guys DO GET AHEAD. But not forever.

Let’s get back to this business of quiet. Because this is what I’m thinking. I think the reason I need to say I am quiet, is so that you’ll never assume I have more to offer. You won’t want to take, you won’t want to judge, you won’t surprise me with how much you were withholding until you’ve found out what I’ve got.

Sometimes, if we’re with manipulative or aggressive people that tend to make us submissive, we can end up giving off an image that doesn’t at all correspond with who we really are”

Have you watched this video? I re-found it on the Seeker and it had the same impact on me this time, as it did the first time. The manipulative or aggressive force doesn’t need to be someone. It can be ourselves. Our ingrained thoughts that go beyond consciousness. It isn’t even judgement, it’s more of an apathy, a contrived reality.

My perception: I need to be tougher, less vulnerable, or empathetic. I need to be an island.
My reality: I am soft, very soft. I am gentle. I hate confrontation, violence, arguing. I dislike injustice and bullies. I am someone who cries, freely and laughs loudly. I sing. I dance. I love to make others smile, to be the squish they want to sink into. I am soft. My lesson: I can be both.

Optimistically, I want to say I will one day beam with this softness. From finding a trans-masculine space, maturity, confidence, love, and acceptance. Having a partner as tough but gentle as Abomerino helps immensely. I feel entirely, completely safe with her – no matter how messy things seem to get.

Here is an ending story to leave you with a smile.

We went to Yuk Yuks last night and Aisha, sitting in the front and looking as lovely as ever, was immediately called upon for her name. She gave it, he asked what she did for work, and hilarious miscommunication over her employment (translation vs. transcription) ensued. The comic nailed it with a ‘Shit, I’ve pissed off China.” Then… Something unexpected (for me) happened. The next chick was called out- Crystal, was her name- and the entire room simultaneously equated her name with… A stripper. I laughed, caught up with the unworried joy of gentle, social, ribbing and BAM! Crystal calls out, “Well… HER name is Aisha” in that weird, mean girl, sing song thing.

Guys, I saw Crystal’s metaphorical fucking gloves hit the stage. I had no clue what was happening. My thoughts, in order: 1. Is that an insult? 2. Did she just literally divert attention from herself, which she had wanted, back to Aisha by trying to insult… Her name? 3. WHAT THE FUCK- SHE INSULTED AISHA.

Obviously, Aisha would have done whatever it took had things gotten real, but the comic quickly diffused the situation. Our friends, the room, and Aisha were howling so I was able to get back in on it. Tentatively.

At thirty-six years of age, I’d never experience that oh-shit-girl’s-about-to-get-real in person before. And my love was on the other side.

We had to work through it this morning lol. It was so uncomfortable for me, because I’m just a gentle giant. I am Ferdinand. And I’m starting to realize I no longer need to pretend I’m tough.

“Be like water, which is fluid & soft & yielding, as in time, water will overcome rock which is rigid & hard. Therefore, what is soft is strong.”

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