Three Weeks Ago

Hello music.

Hello you.

Today the world is iced over yet nothing seems to be paused because of it, except us. Are you? Has your world stopped because of this ice storm? Honestly, I’m trying to laugh about it. I’m reading about people who are craving a pause, a moment to themselves, desperate for time and right now we have that in spades, the three of us all in our own heads, pregnant pauses of quiet time.  But I think I want something loud. I want to yell, I want Aisha to scream. I want noise and music and an unsteady floor. I want to be in a Fun House at a carnival, tilting and laughing, the laugh tinged with panic. 

I feel too big right now, which is something I have had to work on my whole life. Feeling like my feelings, my need to talk and my inability to know when to stop are things that I have seen five therapists and lost many girlfriends about. I am tempering it and learning when to take space and when what I need to say is actually valid. There are so many things that need to be addressed, that need a plan and structure, things that can not free flow or ‘fall where they may.’ What scares me is that for the first time, I want to free flow. I want to just give it up – but I don’t know how! I watch Aisha, and bear with me, but watching her is like sitting by a lazy river. What comes, passes, you can toss a stone in and hope to help a leaf rushing by a rock; or you can watch and see what happens. It is calming, watching her, even when the river’s contents are not as innocuous as a ‘leaf.’

I woke up wondering about the blog today. Which is natural, wondering about the success or viability of a fledgling project when your mind is spread eagled by other thoughts. My natural character is to focus through the dark and find the pinpoint of light. Reach for the positive because when I don’t, I become a darkness that is not pleasant to know, like Quirrell and Voldemort. So, faced with what’s happening to my partner right now, I have to focus on the fact that she is somewhat competently mobile, not in pain and headed in for surgery number two. Monday she’s back on the table. Who knows for what at this point? Duderroo is figuring this out and is being great. I have had a lot of people stick by me and be around for amazing support, despite their physical distance and/or own medical journey. But what about us, readers? Honestly, I think this is mostly for me but that is probably only a shock to me, eh?

I am working on a giant piece about gender and alcohol. It will probably not even be a combination of what a few of you may think once it is finished. It is fun though, because I love the history and knowledge of wine. I am missing the industry these days as well. This polar vortex has me wondering about the grapes and their health, which of course makes me think about the industry that is relying on their vitality. 

I am becoming quietly obsessed with cooperative housing. A friend I have a lot of respect for brings it up a lot, has lived the experience and is better for it. I have looked into it a few times in the last few years. Tiny home communities, cooperative communities throughout St. Catharines, communal living – you name it. Moving into the apartment was my ‘toe-in’ attempt and to be fair, I don’t think it is something you can test out in a ‘model’ setting. The apartment was dirty, loud, intrusive, and I loved it. Co-ops would be different, because it would be the good of living in a shared space without the feeling of helplessness and disjunct with your neighbors (believe me, the neighbors I was uncomfortable with were not whom you’d expect). If I had the money, I would love to start a co-op. I have no idea how that would pan out, but its forming in my mind and my heart is pulling towards something. 

I am also missing the country. I would love to be in my memory of a hot, dusty run in Digby on top of the mountain. I need something warm, my fingers and nose are in a constant state of cold. I want my lungs to be excited to expand, ocean air rushing in. I want to be in a new place, like St. Lucia or Martinique in a house on the beach, waking up to the ocean and fresh juice. I miss that feeling. 

I am loving music in a way I have never experienced before. I am feeling grateful for Spotify, the app that I can honestly say enhances my life in ways I would never have been able to achieve solo. My high school bestie can attest to the fact that my brain does not absorb musical information, and Aisha can definitely attest to this. Thankfully, I forget the major screw up details from earlier in the week, but I’m fairly certain I missed the mark on a Rhianna moment. 

I am also feeling a lot in my ‘social zone’ lately. Having to talk to Doctors, nurses, medical staff, and family and being lucky for the number of people turning into dear friends during this event. I do feel my introvert draining, but the rare ambivert is stretching, happy to be out. Thank you, everyone who has connected with me closely over the past week. I have appreciated it so much.

I just read an awesome piece by Kristine Levine about giving…? It was a very moving story, and while there was a brief interruption for a surprisingly long list of raw cookie dough treats, I was thankful for the read and finding it on Facebook (thankful for the dessert info too!). Perspective is maybe a better suggested topic for the piece and how experience determines how widely you view a situation in order to absorb the nuances. I am grateful for my scope; I know there are times I am staggeringly shortsighted, but I believe I have a relatively fair and far reaching social/emotional sight when needed.

I have been thinking a lot about my Jungian personality type (The Logistician) and wonder what I would have been twenty years ago had I taken the test. I am so much milder than I was then. Sometimes I laugh because my family would say I am still a little extra, Aisha knows me well but says I am somewhat hard to read, though forthright and I feel like I’m just a quiet combination of the two. I had a show tune day yesterday to help express relief and today is a little more like Bagheera meets Eeyore. I like this new acceptance of personal fluidity, I will say that. I am finding a surprising release in not needing to be so rigid. I’m not sure how this trait developed, but I’m hoping it stays forever and always. I should say I call it surprising because I became rigid as a means of self-protection and organization, on top of OCD tendencies. So, it is really great to be able to be gentle maybe 75% of the time? Now I just need to balance the 25% that is better represented by a mental image of a duck that doesn’t land properly on water. 

Beyond that, I suppose today has helped me realize that there is so much more. In general, just so much more than what is happening day to day. I can also embrace this (writing) as something solely for myself. Which is cool, especially because I had kind of thought I had realized that when we started this ol’beast up. 

To finish off, I’ll say that Letterkenny’s Valentine Special was amazing. Heartbeats is still my only playlist on Spotify, and the Non-toxic FB group is going really well and giving me lots to think about. 

But I think for now, I will shut the computer and go hang out with Abomb. Hope you are all well, and not involved in this ice. Take care.

— Jo

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