Sitting here listening to The National’s “I Need My Girl” I slow-fast adjust to that amazing calm that develops when you drown life out. Our evening is coming to a close. Aisha is putting finishing touches on her cookies. The duderonomy is upstairs; it’s been a good day. After-school went without a hitch, we had a walk with one of my favorite puppies. I had a nap with that puppy – a stolen forty minutes which is probably why I quickly offered to take both the dog and duderroo for a walk after school. I’m glad because it was great. Cold, and filled with the true joy only brought on by adult-walking-with-animal-and-child. Pulled one way, needing to go back a little bit the other way. Regardless, it was great and so was after.
Now I sit here and it’s different. Our new lamps are on (thanks mum!), they supply relief, a light, soft orange against the glare of the computer. My aim was to sit and finish my other piece for AQFTO. In it, I was going to tell you I found a bit of luck. And, hopefully, I really have! Fingers crossed, but I also explained that I’m superstitious, so you don’t get to know anything about it until it is finalized. I’ve learned my lessons about counting ducks and all that. But, my “luck” means I have sat here all day attached to my computer, the sun moving through the room, the dog from couch to couch, snoring and whimpering; I barely saw Aisha and she was one room over.
I want to work from home. I do, and I am finding it incredibly rewarding. Scary and I would like the paycheques to be a little closer together. But we’re fed, clothed and housed so I am truly trying to make this work. If job three clicks (find out Monday or Tuesday), then I think we’re good. And I can stop worrying about change, about what’s next. I think we are all ready for that.
I wish some of you knew me better, or actually, I wish I had people around that had been around for a while because I am so proud of how far I have come. Sometimes, I barely recognize myself – especially when I am sitting here in my soft living room, worried a child will wake up afraid for no reason, again;worried my partner will fall asleep at her table but amazed she keeps going, and that I am connected to this. This is mine.
I like how this life is looking. Albeit crazy, it is built on trust and a unique blend of confidence and faith, but I think we can do it.
So, what’s on my mind tonight, aside from the potential of abject failure and a destitute life? Well, my sudden inability to think about anything to say to you. We’re launching. Soon. I keep forgetting the date because I’m so nervous. I’ve spent my day thinking as someone else in my new mystery job, and the minute I click back in, this is all I think about. It’s not pressure but a cool sense of commitment. I just am all of a sudden worried it won’t be enough.
But I’ve conquered that feeling before.
Tomorrow is a P.A day and duderonomy and I have plans to do a bit of a date day. He knows we’re hitting up a Little, Cheeky, something where kids-go-nuts-indoors but I’m thinking we’ll add in a treat of some kind. Maybe go in search of a gluten-free doughnut. Though, my luck I’d probably end up owning a tavern in Kenora instead.
Tomorrow night, my love and I head into the sunset (true story) for a quick evening in Stratford before a day spent celebrating and supporting women at a Women’s March in K/W. Then home to crash. And lament not having time to taste any pleasures at the new and old restaurants this time around. But soon, when the sea softens her waves a little and our boat can come ashore.
This is a short one folks. I have been writing since 9 am this morning. I want to go and wrap my arms around Aisha and fall into bed.
So, sleep tight. And may the bed bugs seriously not ever bite you. Cause that is a terrible wish that should never have been said.